“You knew it all along.”
— Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves
I’m sure we can all agree that, especially in past relationships, hindsight is wonderful.
It’s easy to look back on a friendship, dating situation, or relationship and see how certain comments or behaviours started small, were brushed under the carpet, dismissed, and then grew into the wild ride that the rest of the relationship became.
When we start a new relationship, it’s fun, it’s exciting; there’s no background, no history, no accumulation. It’s all about getting to know that person, and let’s face it: when we meet someone new, we’ve been told to “put our best foot forward,” to be our best self, and to leave a lasting, positive impression.
The reasons we wear these masks at the start of any relationship can be many:
- We want to be loved and accepted by others
- We want to fit in and belong
- We want to “get something” from the exchange
- We want to be validated
- We want other people to see how cool we are
The list goes on and on, but it’s important to know that some people’s masks are much thicker than others. Some people are so good at hiding themselves by pretending to be interested in you, dishing out compliments, asking questions, and being the version of someone that you want them to be.
I’m not saying to walk through life looking at people through a suspicious lens, but I am suggesting that you learn to listen to your intuition about people.
What you think about someone and what you feel about someone are two completely different things.
It might be that a friend of yours thinks someone is great, and because of that, you think they must be a great person. Yet every time you spend time with them, there’s a signal in your body that you choose to override. I’ll explain more about this later on.
So back to the masks:
We can choose to be authentically ourselves, showing up and putting our best foot forward while holding on to our integrity and values, and being centred and grounded in every situation—because you know who you are. Or we can subconsciously behave in ways that mould our behaviour to suit other people, to be what they want us to be, to hand over our power, and step out of our grounded centre of being (this comes from old childhood programming that I’ll teach you how to untangle).
It’s important to know that if you can see in yourself that you’ve been showing up with a mask, this isn’t your fault, and you haven’t done anything wrong. We’re going to work through and dissolve these old behaviours, thoughts, and beliefs as we move through each section.
The thicker the mask you’re wearing and the thicker the mask the other person is wearing will determine how great the fall. Because ultimately, the masks will slip when we are pretending to be someone we’re not, and when the other person is also pretending to be someone they’re not. When we don’t listen to those early feelings—early intuition and gut feelings—and we get sucked into the “fake version” of this person, the stories they tell and the way they behave, then when the mask starts to slip and finally falls and the real them is revealed, this is where true heartbreak, betrayal, blame, anger, and guilt can start to manifest.
When the mask and the pretence slips, there can be a lot of blame, anger, and frustration toward the other person. It’s part of the grieving process. It’s painful to look back and see the things you dismissed or chose to ignore, and it’s easy to feel anger toward the person who has “hurt” us.
How could they do this to me? They don’t care about me at all. I’m worthless. I don’t even matter. I’m not important. They just used me—after everything I did for them, after all the time, energy, and (sometimes) money I invested in them.
Anger, frustration, and disappointment are all part of the grieving process at the end of a relationship. We can project our hurt onto others and blame them.
But I’d love you to consider this: the anger, blame, shame, guilt, and frustration you’re feeling can feel like it’s directed at the other person, but in fact, it’s something you’re experiencing because it’s directed at yourself. It’s toward yourself for ignoring, tolerating, and dismissing those early signs and red flags. Now you think the anger you’re feeling is at someone else—and in some cases that is valid—but as you work through each section, you’ll realise that all of these emotions and feelings are trapped within you, because deep down the anger and betrayal are actually toward yourself.
If you’re in the thick of the end of a relationship or friendship and you’re feeling these feelings right now, I know this can be a hard concept to get your head around. You might be thinking, “Emma, you have no idea what this person did to me—the things they said, the way they treated me, the pain and angst I’m in.” And I want you to know I get it. I get it loud and clear. I understand.
I’ve been there. I’ve been devastated by yet another relationship and beaten myself up, asking why this happened again, how I could not have spoken up earlier on, and what I did to deserve this—to be treated and then discarded in this way. I held on to a lot of hurt and pain for far too long because I was directing it at another person and resisting allowing my hurt to be seen.
I had learned as a little girl to play small, not speak up, and to believe that my emotions didn’t matter. It was all a program that was playing out in adult relationships. And it wasn’t my fault.
But these painful relationships were the mirror and the wake-up call I had to go through to realise that I am worthy of all the love in the universe. These painful relationships were my greatest teachers in waking me up to the love, power, peace, and abundance that is my birthright—and is also yours too.
To be continued.
With love,
Em xx
